SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Starting a new thread on the topic, instead of throwing my two cents into an existing thread.

I think we all experience some level some sense of shame after an A.

We blame ourselves, we try to find something we could have done different to prevent it. Almost all of us feel like we should have seen signs, blame ourselves for missing red flags, etc.

Then we fight through the idea that maybe there should be shame in trying to repair the M with the person who hurt us.

I felt all of that — in the first months of the emotional trauma.

At this point, I have not one single thing to feel any level of shame about.

I asked for and got all the changes to the M I required.

I held up my end of the vows.

I don’t allow any further negative behavior toward me.

It turns out the transparency we tried in early R from both of us, all the time, is good for the relationship.

Nothing my wife did during the A reflects on me in any way.

Her choices are something she wrestles with, not me.

All I did wrong during the A, was love my family with the only information I had at the time.

I chose to stay, I chose to forgive, and am happy with the amazing amount of hard work to get the M healthier.

On the flip side of all the work, I can’t ever say I will wake up one day and be glad an A happened — I’m simply amazed how much things can change when an M basically has to start over again.

Ultimately, I am glad our family is still together.

I understand those initial tugs of shame, but once I stood up for me and allowed my wife room to be her best self, I find I am proud of what we have now, despite the pain of the past.

As always, your posts are so helpful and I needed to read this today, thank you.

As things progress positively in reconciliation for me and and husband, I find Shame still rears its ugly head. For example we are for to visit his family soon for the first time since DD and I just know his mum will have told everyone from his aunt to his cousin's dog what happened and I feel shame creeping up on me. Shame for not realising what he was doing, shame they may think it's because I wasn't a good enough wife and shame for looking like a walkover for staying. I know deep down none of this is true and I have nothing to be ashamed of and I'm actually proud for working at something I feel is worth saving rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater and I feel proud for honouring my vows throughout the marriage and for leaning into my values of forgiveness and compassion.
Thank you for reminding me of that with this post.

I have no shame regarding my H’s affairs.

however believed him when he said his affairs were my fault. How I did this or that that led him to cheat. 😂

Obviously I didn’t know about SI then.

I just wish we, as betrayed spouses, didn’t have to take the hits we did. How we survive this is a testament as to who/what we are.

Good word, friend. I think it takes a lot of intentionality to get to that state. The wayward, counselors, outside observers all push accountability to the betrayed.

I appreciate your comments about full honesty. I’m in a new relationship, she really is wonderful. I have to keep stepping out in trust to be simple and transparent with her because I got so accustomed to hiding things and managing emotional storms, with strategic silence as the main tool. Who wants to live like that?

Happy Easter, your post added some extra light to mine.

Shame is one of the first things we have to process and discard on this journey. My anger phase helped a lot with it. The anger phase hit as the shock wore off and I could see with more clarity.
My shame was not seeing the signs, or dismissing the obvious red flags. I was scammed, lied to, and my trust taken advantage of.

IH!

I’m in a new relationship, she really is wonderful.

Hold the phone! One of the kindest souls I’ve encountered here has some wonderful going on? That. Is. AWEsome!

Who wants to live like that?

Not me.

I suppose if there is a silver lining to the Hell of infidelity is that the reset is an opportunity to find our authentic selves and live far more authentic lives.

I love waking up every day and choosing my life.

I love not hiding my feelings about anything ever again or wearing masks or taking one for the team to get through a day.

Something fun about me getting to be me 24/7 — sounds weird, because life shouldn’t have gone that far off the rails for me to get here. But here I am.

Happy Easter, your post added some extra light to mine.

Happy Easter indeed, your post made my day!

IT

You are too kind, but said kindness adds even more light to my day, so it is not in vain. ❤️

I can't help thinking of Serjr's thread asserting that everyone needs to R - with themselves.

Followers of Sylvan Tomkins argue, I believe, that we all feel shame.

Hey Evio,

You’re doing great so far, showing off strength and resiliency as you heal.

As things progress positively in reconciliation for me and and husband, I find Shame still rears its ugly head.

It is a battle, to quiet those questions — I fought with shame for my first THREE years of recovery.

As always, don’t be tough on yourself, we all heal in our own, unique ways and at our own pace.

Somewhere in year four, I finally learned to trust me again. I knew what the red flags looked like, I knew what healthy boundaries looked like.

Then, one morning I got up and I fully understood that all of the dominoes in my life fell the way they fell and the only thing I can control is how I approach today.

That’s the old, my wife’s choices had nothing to do with me.

It takes a while to feel it and live it — but truth is self-evident, no matter how long it is before I figure it out.

Of course, we can all do better and be better, but M cannot ever cause someone to choose infidelity.

I hope your healing continues!

Hey 1st-

I just wish we, as betrayed spouses, didn’t have to take the hits we did. How we survive this is a testament as to who/what we are.

We are all badasses, that is for sure.

Overcoming the pain, healing up and moving on (R or D or something in between) does give a chance to reveal how much strength we really have.

Will I ever be happy that this adversity happened to me?

Nope.

However, I am happy that I conquered it.

Tanner,

My shame was not seeing the signs, or dismissing the obvious red flags. I was scammed, lied to, and my trust taken advantage of.

No shame in seeing the best in our partners — in a happy, healthy M, we’re not supposed to be detectives or look for red flags.

We all presume we’re hanging out with someone who has our back.

So, yes, did I feel the exact same thing? Yes.

However, I eventually realized I did the best I could with the information I had.

No shame in being a loving spouse!

My anger phase helped a lot with it.

Same.

Actually, I loved my anger phase.

I broke stuff, screamed into void, climbed a mountain, yelled at the whole world, beat a punching bag so often, I broke it off the chain. It was all glorious. It was a cleansing fire of sorts.

Ah, the reset.

Living life now as I should have a long time ago.

Philosopher Sisoon —

Followers of Sylvan Tomkins argue, I believe, that we all feel shame.

Oh, I’m not suggesting the feeling doesn’t exist, it goes in the feelings golf bag with all the other clubs and we don’t really need it very often.

Like most feelings, how often it lives in our head is up to us.

For me, shame kicks in when I knowingly do something wrong.

I don’t do that nearly as often as I did when I was younger, but some days, I do fail me.

A little shame asks for accountability, too much of it can bury us.

I didn’t fail me with infidelity.

I called for accountability from my spouse, who failed herself.

And she answers the bell each and every day, owning her choices, and I’m proud of her for doing that — not everyone owns their worst days.

So, I hold no shame for her either.

Humans fail everyday, my focus is on what we do after we fail that matters most.

No shame in that.

I can't help thinking of Serjr's thread asserting that everyone needs to R - with themselves

.

I agree with that assertion. R is a two-front war, as we try to rebuild ourselves and our M. One of the reasons R is so uphill, it isn’t easy to heal ourselves and help heal the M at the same time.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 4:29 PM, Sunday, April 5th]

Shame is one of the first things we have to process and discard on this journey. My anger phase helped a lot with it. The anger phase hit as the shock wore off and I could see with more clarity.

Well written, Tanner. Been there and done that.

Shame is unhelpful but can be helpful in understanding how to conquer the insecurity of taking a hit for a misfit you never committed, deserved or chose.

That’s the anger phase reacting as a rebound from the bottom.

Shame is a weight that helps you hit the bottom so you can raise up.
I felt shame because I betrayed myself when I knew but chose to ignore for love. Knowing full well what you have to do and how to respond and letting your wayward drag you down their emotional chaos is what caused shame for my experience.

Is self betrayal and puts you off center, into the chaos of the cheater, that’s why cheaters feel shame way before regret, even if the causes are coming from a different place is the same storm.

When you betray shame is there, even if you betrayed only yourself.

But as I said it comes from a different place, you will discover how much better you are because you didn’t faulter, and then regret will take place, regret of ever feeling shame, that makes you a badass after. That’s how an unhealthy and unhelpful thing can turn out when you heal.

Bad that you have to go through betrayal to get there, but on the flip side, many people never have the chance to find themselves the way you had.

I really relate to Evio's post, especially as I sit here waiting for the laundry to finish so I can change and head to the in laws for Easter dinner here in a bit.

At almost exactly a year out from d day for me I'm confident that we're on a pretty good reconciliatory path. My wife has been a model for R, but as this is our first antiversary some of those awful feelings and rumination have resurfaced. Along with that feeling of shame for having stayed.

I'll get through it, I know I will, and to my credit (and hers) I haven't bottled anything up. I ain't shy about bringing it up and telling her exactly how I'm feeling and why. Every thought and every trigger, of which there have been many this last week or so. She's here for it. She's sitting in it with me, apologizing and doing her best to reassure me.

But those damned feelings of shame. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to her decisions last year, but try telling my nervous system that.

Tanner,

My shame was not seeing the signs, or dismissing the obvious red flags. I was scammed, lied to, and my trust taken advantage of.

You really nailed that one. I've explained this to my wife almost verbatim. "I feel so stupid, but the fact of the matter is that I trusted you, and you took advantage of that."

But those damned feelings of shame. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to her decisions last year, but try telling my nervous system that.

Don’t worry it will come, it’s like a light switch flipping out of the blue.

The nervous system takes a different path and different time because acts at an instinctual level. The pillars it has built and based your reality upon were shattered to dust one year ago. Your nervous system took your entire life to build those foundations and then got shocked they weren’t as solid as it felt.

You will not need to wait a life for it to restore new foundations, it’s faster and this time they will be made of steel. But give it some more leniency, it will come, your healing is ensuring that

Thanks, Storm. I do appreciate the words of encouragement.

At least I had a little foreshadowing for what I'm going through just from my reading here. Tho to be honest I didn't expect this first antiversary to hit me as hard as it did.

One silver lining is it has sparked some deep discussions with my wife, if a little tense at times. At least she's receptive to it and being open and honest about it. I've been asking some hard questions.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:14 PM, Sunday, April 5th]