SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I appreciate it and am doing my best to take it all in. This is the most horrible thing I have experienced, and I have no idea what to do. I do want to say I am not dedicated to reconciliation. If anything I am moving towards ending my marriage because I do not know if reconciliation is even possible with someone who has been so unfaithful for so long. I have zero trust and respect for her, and doubt that will ever recover. I am not sure how I can continue being married to someone when I really do not know who they are and what they are capable of.
I am really trying to figure out what will happen to my family and life when I decide to leave. I am not sure if I should have left as soon as I found out, or contacted the other guy's wife immediately. I have asked over and over again for more details, for more of the truth, and I get the same vague answers. Glossing over 14 years of infidelity with short confessions. However, there are times when I ask myself if I need to know anymore. The damage is done to an extreme level already. I already feel like moving on with our marriage is an impossibility. I am more concerned with how this is going to affect my kids and my relationship with them. I was blindsided and am incredibly confused. I do not know if I am doing anything correctly here. I do not know what to do or say or feel.
But this is all very helpful and I am absolutely considering everyone's advice. I'm strongly considering contacting the other guy's wife. I have recently reached out to my friend and shared with him what is going on. He is actually in a somewhat similar situation with his wife as well, so we a have our own unfortunate support system going.

Your wife unfortunately is not trustworthy at all. I am sympathetic but believe you would be best served by moving forward with the divorce process regardless of if you wanted some kind of relationship with her at any level going forward. That would totally depend on her doing deep therapy with an infidelity specialist for years probably.

But you should not wait around for that. She is not currently a safe partner and wouldn't be for a long time.

So meet with a few attorneys and gain an understanding of what divorce might look like for you. Then start the process. It can always be stopped. But I doubt she would be ready to be a safe partner for you or anyone by the time you'd legally end your marriage.

So don't let that keep you from making the right decisions for you. Better to unwind yourself from this person as much as legally possible so that when the time comes down the road that you are ready to love someone again you won't have any hindrances.

Good luck.

One thing that is common on this site and something I dislike is when posters make statements like "this is the worst that I have ever read here", or "this is totally non-recoverable".
I have said the following several times: A couple can reconcile from anything as long as both partners understand what lies ahead and are willing to do the work.
I have also said that there is no obligation to reconcile. Like here, in this situation, you are not obliged in any way to reconcile just because. If you want to reconcile, if your wife was on board with reconciling, and if you both could find a united path… great. But if even one of those elements is missing then hoping for R would be like wishing you got the lottery numbers correct.

With all that said…

It’s very common that posters come here unclear on their future. When I read a situation I often try to evaluate if the BS has options or not. Like… if a WS confesses an ONS on a Sunday and is all remorseful and honest then I think the odds of possible R might be high. No less infidelity, no less pain though.

When I read your story I was thinking that you have a really tough road ahead…
I just think the length of the affair, plus all the places, times, events… it’s contaminated… It’s got to shake your belief in your wife to the core. This will be a really tough thing to work through…
Not impossible, but IMHO you really seriously need to look into what ending this marriage would look like.

I get your fear for the children, but the old adage about it being better for kids to come from a broken home than live in one holds true. IF you want to remain married for the kids you would need to reestablish a completely new marriage, and frankly it’s not clear if your wife is capable of that.

For one, total and 100% transparency is required. She needs to answer every factual question you need an answer to. She needs accountability, openness, therapy… There is nothing "normal" or "sane" in having an ongoing 14 year old affair.
Without this openness and commitment your path to reconciling or even rug-sweeping to a semblance of family-life is blocked IMHO.

As suggested look into what a divorce would mean.
Depending on age of kids, income and all that then expect equal custody. Chances are that the mom is better situated for prime-custody, but the two of you would probably share custody with some schedule.
Remember there is no real revenge or payback for infidelity. You wouldn’t divorce her to get revenge, but rather because you don’t see her as a life-partner. Therefore there isn’t much to gain in being confrontational or making each other enemies. You can be amicable in interacting and united in parenting decisions without sharing a home or bed.

Big difference in saying "I’m filing because you f…ed around!" and "I can’t see you as a safe partner and your affair has made me not want this marriage".

Get a realistic understanding of divorce. I always recommend an attorney to ensure everything is done correctly, but maybe the two of you can do this amicably and reasonably with a mediator.

This is the most horrible thing I have experienced

Me, too brother.

I have no idea what to do.

Neither did I. It's pretty rare for someone first finding out about their spouse's affair to have a clear idea or "know" what to do. This shit is hard. Really hard. I know you mean it when you say it's the most horrible thing you've ever been through because it was/is for me too. Don't beat yourself up over it. What you're experiencing is normal. Your reaction, confusion and indecisiveness are all normal. It just sucks really bad.

I do want to say I am not dedicated to reconciliation. If anything I am moving towards ending my marriage because I do not know if reconciliation is even possible with someone who has been so unfaithful for so long.I have zero trust and respect for her, and doubt that will ever recover. I am not sure how I can continue being married to someone when I really do not know who they are and what they are capable of.

I don't blame you. I would suggest you start taking steps toward divorce. Now, that suggestion isn't "go balls out and get a divorce, period," but start the process. It takes time. Often months or even a year or more to finalize a divorce. Starting the process will do a few things tho.

It will give you a direction and just making the decision for me was freeing. I mean, I didn't want to get a divorce, but at the same time it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders just having made a decision to start the process of getting out of infidelity.

You will still have time to make up your mind which direction you want to go. If your wife has a monumental shift in her attitude and actions and manages to move mountains to convince you to work it out with her you can pause or stop the process any time you want if you change your mind.

It will also send a solid message to your wife that you're not going to live in infidelity one minute more.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:38 PM, Saturday, April 4th]

I am sympathetic but believe you would be best served by moving forward with the divorce process regardless of if you wanted some kind of relationship with her at any level going forward.

I’ve never understood why some here poo-poo the concept, but consider the divorce as a "demotion". She’s lost the right to the title of "wife". For Pete’s sake, if any adulterous spouse ever warranted a divorce, it’s yours. Because you have kids, you will never go 100% no contact with her.

Also consider this: if after the divorce, the certifiably miraculous occurs, and your wife manages somehow to utterly transform her inner character to the core, and demonstrates this with YEARS of taking full accountability, giving you favorable terms in the D, etc. etc., you could potentially choose to make her your girlfriend at some point. If even more miracles occur and you decide to remarry way down the road, you would have an iron-clad pre-nup in place specifically calling out for draconian consequences for any choices you list.

Some have taken this exact path, and I’ve yet to see where this decision was regretted. If she doesn’t crawl on broken glass for you and blow your mind with a transformation, which will most likely be the case, then you co-parent for as long as necessary, and start your life anew, with a chance at a relationship where at least you know with certainty they haven’t already cheated on you a thousand times.

not knowing what to do or what to even feel is completely understandable and normal for most people.
I flailed around for a few months exactly in that position until I found forums like this to get advice and rant about it all. Their guidance I can credit as saving me, both from her and myself.